But anyway, rather than trying to put it into words in this way, I'll instead show you all the poems I've written since then, because they explain how I feel better.
Tell me I should stop crying over something “so simple”,
Tell me it’s not that big of a deal,
Tell me it’ll be okay because that doesn’t make this any better,
Guilt trip me for thinking about leaving the fandom because one of my favorite human beings is gone.
Care that 4 other boys still need my help,
Because even if I love them a lot I can’t stop my sadness just because 4 people I don’t know “need me”,
Care that you don’t understand why I’m sad,
Care that you think it’s ridiculous to be sad,
Wanna hear how happy you are that a group you don’t like is “crumbling”,
Wanna see you smiling at this news while I’m crying next to you.
Empty, like a huge part of me is missing,
In Denial, like this isn’t actually real and I’ll wake up and he’ll be on that stage again,
Too Aware, like all of this is too real at the same time.
Sad, because it’s not the same without him.
SO I KNOW
4 boys are still together and performing for people,
and that things will get better eventually.
That doesn’t make anything better now,
Doesn’t make the tears stop,
Doesn’t make me want to smile.
Unless you have a time machine hidden somewhere,
Don’t tell me I’m not allowed to cry.
How can you tell me
It’s not that big of a deal?
How can you see me,
As well as thousands if not millions of other fans,
With our heads on the tables,
Trying hard to not cry in the middle of class,
With a fresh tissue box at our side after goingthrough four others in that day alone,
Tightly hugging people who love us,
Calling off work or not going to school because thetears are too much,
And tell us it’s not that big of a deal?
But oh I see you.
I see you, the same people giving us garbage,
Crying, having a temper tantrum, and literally throwing riots
Because your favorite football team lost.
I’ve read a ton of stories about people literally acting physical violence on other people
Just because they don’t like their favorite sports team
But somehow the same people who do that
Are going to tell me, and countless others
That all our tears,
All our literal depression,
All our FEELINGS
Aren’t that big of a deal
Because instead of acting physical violence because a sports team loses,
We’re crying over a member of a boyband that mostly appeals to teenage girls
But oh, I guess it’s “not that big of a deal”.
People keep telling me one day I’ll be in a better place,
But I find that hard to believe because
Every picture I look at, there’s an empty space
And it also feels like there’s one in my heart, it does.
You’re not dead but
I’ve lost you in a different way.
Other people are saying that
Everything is going to be okay,
But I think it’s easy for them to say
Because you weren’t their favorite member.
For me every single day,
It gets worse, like (to use your words), snow in September
And it doesn’t help that everyone else is happy and smiling,
Everyone else is already feeling better,
And I’m still sitting here crying,
Feeling worse than ever.
I want my favorite member of my favorite band back,
But I know you’re happier now.
That still does nothing to stop me from wishing we could bring back
All five members of this group being together, happy, safe, and sound.
I could skirt around this,
Say some metaphor that has you thinking
I’m broken-hearted because someone broke up with me and I miss
Them, that makes you think I’m sinking
Onto the floor in a river of tears
Because I wasn’t good enough for someone to not cheat on
But no, instead I’ll be blunt about it here.
Almost three years ago, every day was a party.
I discovered a boyband who sang to girls about them not knowing they’re beautiful
And I found friends who loved them as much as me.
Though we only knew each other through the Internet, which made us emotional,
We bonded and formed life-long friendships through these boys, their music, and their story.
Fast forward three years and things aren’t as fun.
Because it was just announced that one of our boys
Is no longer part of this band we’ve all become
So attached to. Around me all I can hear is the noise
Of my tears, of a million questions in my mind
On why this had to happen
And why we can’t go back to the time
When everything was amazing and we couldn’t imagine
No, he’s not dead,
Yes, he’ll still be making music that’ll probably be brilliant,
But that doesn’t stop the emptiness I feel, the dread,
The literal inability to do anything other than sleep on my bed
And go on the computer to talk to people who feel the same,
I’m happy that he’s happier now, as he said,
But I still miss you as a member of One Direction, Zayn.
How do I remove something I’ve known for so long?
That used to make me feel so strong
Daily, and now instead makes me feel down
Because he’s no longer around.
I still want to support all of you in your separate lives,
Because that’s all I’ve known for years, but I’m
So sorry, it’s not you, it’s me.
I can’t keep walking on the sun because now all it does is burn my feet.
When before I was too happy to notice the burns,
Now they pop out, big and proud, no lotion will turn
Them back to the unscathed feet they once were
I guess it’s a sign that I should run far
Away, but my feet are too burned to make the trip
So I guess all that’s really left is to just
Stay here and deteriorate on the sun
And hope that someone
Else will come save me.
I only hope it’s sooner rather than later, because every day my body gets more and more weak.