Anna (a_wa) wrote,

Let's finish this where it started

So I posted this on tumblr, but I felt like it needed to be here as well because this is where it started. If you haven't read it on tumblr yet and you're my friend, please read this.

I’m hesitant to use the term “coming out” because I think you could tell based on a lot of things I’ve said on many occasions, privately or publicly. But I feel like a lot of people didn’t really take it seriously or thought I was just messing around, so that’s why I felt the need to make this post.

Where do I start? Well I guess I’ll start in 3rd grade, when I got my very first crush on the beautiful Katerina. I’d kiss her cheek during Science class because fairy tales had taught me that after you told someone you loved them (which I had done to her) they were supposed to immediately love you back. It was 3rd grade though, we all have those beliefs in our early years.

My next crush was in 5th grade on a boy named William R. I continued to have crushes on boys, as well as girls, throughout my years in public schools. And throughout this time I thought it meant I was bisexual. I was definitely bi, but biromantic, not bisexual.

The Internet has taught me a lot of things about sex education. Some that I didn’t wanna know, but that’s all part of the process I guess. Whenever people talked about their “ovaries exploding” from seeing an attractive picture of their celebrity crush, it made zero sense to me. My ovaries never “exploded” from seeing attractive people. And for the longest time I thought that when people said they were “wet” or “needed to change their pants” it was because the celeb was so attractive they peed themselves or something. I realize that’s not the case now, because, like I said, the Internet is very good with teaching people sex education. Much better than schools.

Throughout all this though, I didn’t think much of it. So some people’s ovaries “exploded” when they saw attractive celebs and mine didn’t. Whatever. It was pretty much the last thing on my mind. Not even that really, it was never on my mind. All I cared about was looking at the same attractive pictures of celebrities. And that leads me to another misconception I had. For the longest time I thought being “horny” meant that you stared at pictures of celebrities for long periods of time, admired their beauty, did a lot of keyboard smashes, wanted to kiss them, and talked about how they were ruining your life. And yes, this can happen as a result (wow I make it sound so much more professional than it is), but as I’m pretty positive you already know, that’s not all it is.

That’s all it was for me though. That’s what I thought people meant when they found someone hot. That’s the end all be all of what I thought the feeling was - staring at someone’s picture, admiring their beauty, wanting to kiss them, and keyboard smashing about how they’re ruining your life. My private parts felt nothing at all.

Even after I found out what being horny, wet, turned on, etc. really meant and that I didn’t ever feel any of these things, it didn’t sink in with me that I was different until really around this year.

When I first considered asexuality, I was 16. On LiveJournal I made a post about it. The reason I used for considering it was that I thought sex was gross. I still kind of do, but now it’s more on a “don’t want for myself but I guess I can understand why others do” level whereas back then it was on a “how the heck could anybody wanna do any of this ever?” level. I don’t find sex as a concept/people having sex for fun gross anymore like I did back then, but I definitely would still never want to do it myself.

The responses I got were people who told me to not put this label on myself yet, that they thought it was gross too before. And although at the time I’m sure I saw them as being supportive and all, looking back at it the responses sound to me like they have an undertone of “that’s not possible because asexuality doesn’t exist”, “how could you NOT be turned on at times?”, “asexuality is abnormal”, and stuff like that. I felt the same kind of undertone when I talked to one of my friends a few months ago after she made a joke about me wanting to suck Zayn’s d (which I can promise you I definitely don’t). If that friend is reading this right now, I can assure you I’m not angry at you at all. I know that asexuality is a new concept to a lot of people who “”can’t understand how someone could never be turned on”” but I really want you (and all my friends) to learn that yes, it does exist and is indeed very possible.

If people can figure out that they’re definitely hetero, bi, pan, lesbian, etc. by 19, then why do people have a problem with me figuring out that I’m definitely ace by 19? It’s again one of those things that to me, have undertones of “you can’t possibly be that because that’s abnormal/doesn’t exist”.

I owe part of this to one of my sisters. I won’t name which one she is because I don’t want to out her against her will. However, I do owe a big part of this to her. My little sisters have always been the people I look up to (kind of backwards I guess but anyway). When I was in 3rd grade and they were in 1st grade, I joined their soccer team (amoung many other things I did) because I wanted to impress them and I wanted to be like them. They were cool and had all the awesome friends and I didn’t. That’s a different post for a different day though. Fast forward to last year and one of them came out as biromantic and asexual. Now, no, this is not me saying that I’m “pretending to” be both of those things to be like her. No. I feel like for the most part I’ve grown above trying to be like them even in aspects I’m not (although I still have a lot of internalized stuff from that time I need to work on, but like I said, different post for a different day). Pretending to be a certain sexuality for any reason is not cool (unless you’re pretending to be straight to stay alive). What I AM trying to say is that her coming out as asexual made me stop ignoring the fact that I was different from a lot of the people around me in that aspect. It made me stop ignoring the fact that I do not want sex ever, that I’m never turned on/horny, that my ovaries never “explode”. It made me start thinking about asexuality in more detail as a label for myself. And so I thank her for that.

I’ve never been the kind to make a big coming out message. When I identified as bisexual (which now I realize the correct term is “biromantic”), I never did a big coming out thing to my friends or anyone. That’s not to say I was in the closet though. I just didn’t see the point of making an announcement about it. If people asked me, I would tell them honestly. I wasn’t going to ever lie.

The reason I wanted to make this post though is because I feel like, even though they’re just joking around most of the time, I’m tired of my friends (who probably only have the best/comedic intentions) saying I want to “suck Zayn’s d” or “masturbate to Zayn” or any of that because I don’t. The absolute last thing I want from Zayn, or any of my celebrity crushes, or any of my crushes in general, is sex. I cringe at the thought of ever being in a situation where me and another person are naked together. The ONLY things I want from my crushes, both celebrity and otherwise are: kisses, relationships (even though that also scares me sometimes because I’ve never been in one), dates, and pictures. And more kisses, yes (never had one of those either, oops). Never sex, ever. You all are more than welcome to take care of that part, but count me out. I may make sex-themed jokes from time to time, and I may talk about how attractive Zayn, Lupita, and other celebs are, but don’t take it as more than it is: Jokes and appreciating someone’s beauty a lot.

And one last thing, because I know a lot of you may be new to this concept of asexuality: I know you think that wanting to have sex is normal, and question how anyone could not feel horny once in their life, but quite frankly I question how anyone could feel horny. But I don’t judge you all for it. You can't control it (just like I can't control NOT feeling that way). It’s just something I don’t understand, I’ve never experienced it, and the Internet can teach you so much but there are some things you still won’t fully understand if you can’t experience them yourself. I encourage you all to, at the very least, do what I’ve done and let the Internet educate you. There are a ton of asexuality blogs on tumblr. Try looking through them, reading other people’s experiences, and take in everything they say even when you’re confused, even when you think they’re “jumping” on/being rude to allosexual people (a term for non-asexual people). Because trust me they probably have their reasons for it. Just listen to what they say and take in every word.

I don’t want to lose people as friends because they suddenly think I don’t exist or am just “confused”. I want to keep you all as friends, and not have to say “I want sex” for that to happen. Because I don’t want sex.

That’s all. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Tags: 13th grade, asexuality, coming out
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