I should’ve never watched The X Factor. It’s only proven more for me that I should just give up on my dreams.
The things they’ve said you need: the perfect confidence in yourself and your art, the perfect look, the perfect talent.
I’ve had confidence, but ever since 8th grade, it’s been slowly fading away. Now I realize I don’t have the kind of confidence a job like professional singing needs.
Tonight I performed at open mic during capernaum. I was so nervous and didn’t have a lot of confidence. That’s when I realized that it’s not getting better.
But the thing about confidence is that you can’t force yourself to have it. I’ve tried and I’ve tried to gain back confidence but I just… can’t do it. And that’s not a good thing for professional singing.
I won’t compare myself to others because I’ve learned not to anymore thanks to a few people, but I just know that I don’t have the perfect talent.
And then there’s my back-up plan of writing. I don’t wanna self-publish, and recently, this guest speaker came in to Creative Writing class. She’s in her 40s and just now finally getting something actually published. Also, there’s the fact that ever since sophomore year I’ve had terrible writer’s block.
Singing and writing have been the only 2 things I enjoyed doing. And in my mind, I can’t just do a job for even a second if something I don’t enjoy. But if I don’t have the confidence to do either of those things, then I’m helpless.
I guess it’s finally come down to the fact that I’m not gonna be able to do anything with my life. I’m helpless, I’m hopeless, there’s nothing I can do.